Where's the Beef?

Hero worship in its unkindest form!

On Betelgeuse they worship me

as savior of their race.

The Puppeteer cheer loud hurrahs

where'er I show my face.

I cannot count the times I signed

a Kzinti's Book of Dawn.

But my butt is just a Big Mac

on the planet Alderaan.

---

My fame has stood the test of time

in our history books.

The statues of my frame adorn

a million honored nooks.

Aristocrats of every stripe

come up to primp and fawn.

But my butt is just a Big Mac

on the planet Alderaan.

---

On Alderaan they say that once

I visited their world.

I wowed them and I dazzled

every boy and little girl.

I left a bit of DNA

to clone me when I'm gone.

Now my butt is just a Big Mac

on the planet Alderaan.

---

I'm going back to Alderaan

to tell them that I mind.

You don't have to be a Vegan

to respect the human kind.

I know the trick: I'll show them what

I use to sit upon.

Then my butt won't be a Big Mac

on the planet Alderaan!

Filking is an artform peculiar to the science fiction fan community. Years ago, when I read Larry Niven's short story Assimilating our Culture, That's what they're doing, I was moved to write my first filksong.

And, sure, I know that Betelgeuse is a red giant star that's unlikely to have a worshipful civilization living on it, and I just made up the Kzinti Book of Dawn, because I couldn't think of a better rhyme. Maybe Larry Niven will write a story to explain what that is.